Dear Semi-Secret Super Library Nerd Lending Program,
I know I’ve been pestering you a lot lately, and I hope you don’t mind me contacting you directly, but there’s something I feel I need to say.
Let me explain.
Yesterday, I was, yes, requesting yet another somewhat obscure book from you when I visited my borrower profile page. I just wanted to see what the status was of my pending requests, but here is what I saw instead:
“Borrower Type: Individual (fines)”
(insert arrow to my heart here)
I just want to say that I am so sorry, and I know what this is about. This is about Madeleine and the Eiffel Tower, isn’t it? I don’t know what to say besides I have looked everywhere for that DVD, EVERYWHERE. And also there was a two-year-old in my house that day, and well, I don’t know if you have any experience with two-year-olds, but… . Well, never mind.
I also just want to say that I tried to pay for it already — which would’ve cleared my fines — but they wouldn’t let me. No, they said I had to wait for the bill. And while for most bills, I don’t mind the wait when it comes to clearing my name with the library I am always eager to do so. So I am now in the waiting period. And meanwhile: fines.
And one last thing: I know you didn’t know me until after I had kids, but I want you to know that until my oldest child was two I had an absolutely pristine record at the library. Pristine! I don’t know if you have kids, but sometimes they seem to have magic powers in the area of causing certain objects to disappear. Forever. If you come across my favorite wooden spoon or the blue star that goes on the bottom of the stacking toy or especially the missing diamond earring from the pair that my dad gave me on my wedding day, would you kindly let me know? Thanks.
So, I hope you can give me another chance. I mean, I would never, NEVER lose one of your items. In fact, your items have a special section of bookshelf near my desk. And I hope once I get the bill and clear my name, you too will clear my name in your records so that I can once again be a worthy borrower of your incredibly important program.
Hanging my head down in shame,